It Can't Be All About Me

Well, I haven't posted in a while, mostly due to the holidays and some other things that have consumed my time. But it's no excuse. It's been far too long. I need this as much as you do!

So now that I have a few minutes to write, I don't have much to write about in the area of the ex or drama, or upset in any relationships at the present time. It's actually been a lot better and I know God has been at work even amidst my lack time spent with Him. I don't deserve His grace or love. How truly grateful I am for a Savior who works in His time even when I'm not faithful.

I recently got to spend some time with a friend of mine and we were able to get out some frustrations we're both experiencing in our lives. We've both sort of hit the reality of being married, settled in our lives, I guess just the reality of life. And on top of my own personal struggles, I feel like the kids are more clingy and needy now for some reason, maybe it's just their age. I can't even walk from one room to the next without someone following me! But I know I need to be compassionate and put their needs ahead of my own. So I asked my friend, "Is it me? Am I just extremely irritable or is this normal?" I continued on my rant, "It's just so hard to go from being myself - not having kids to worry about and then suddenly shifting gears to mommy-mode." I go from doing what I want, when I want to suddenly washing clothes, reminding them to pick up their junk, finding ways to entertain them without tv, fixing their hair, cooking something they'll like for dinner, making sure they're dressed appropriately, taking a bath, brushing teeth, washing hands...the list goes on and on. Being a stepmom is a hard job. No one will ever understand what we as stepmoms face everyday. Not only when the kids are with us but when they're not. It's such an unusual situation to experience first hand and everyday might bring something different or unexpected.

I'm realizing that I need to work on my tolerance and pray that God will help me to do everything with out complaining. That's so hard isn't it?! But I know that I can do this and make the best out of everyday with God's help. I'm learning that it's not about me. But how do we get past that feeling of - no one understands. No one recognizes or acknowledges what we do on a regular basis for someone else's kid. Where's my encouragement? Where's my pat on the back every once in a while? Where's my reward? The answer is ALWAYS in Jesus. He sees the hurt and the frustrations that we continually push to the side to manage our everyday reality. Although we can't touch him right now, He's here. Even though we can't physically run to his arms, He's surrounding us now. He's with us in every moment of our day. He's our reward. And perhaps the hardest part for us to grasp - may that be enough for us. I'm praying that He would sustain you in your journey today. That God's peace and love would surround you like never before. May you be consumed with His encouragement and trust that He alone is all you need.

Attitude Adjustment

So we had an altercation with the "ex" a few weeks ago. I won't go into all the details because quite frankly, they don't matter. I've just come to realize that her actions are usually all hinged on her mood swings and her compulsive desire to make things all about her. So we did what we knew Christ would want us to do. Take the high road. Our intentions were pure and our reactions to her were pure yet honest. God revealed just a little piece of Himself to me and I have to share it with you. A song in my workout mix helped me change my views and thinking.


However long our feet have walked on this world
We've all lived long enough to know
That sometimes life will go our way
And other times it won't
But still I've got this joy inside of me
With each new dawn I do believe to

Say hey, it's a good day
Even if things aren't going my way
Jesus is Lord and I am saved
So, say hey, it's a good day

Circumstance and situations change
You know life can turn on a dime
But there's a constant hope and peace
That I have come to find
And it's all because of who God is
And that He is alive and I am His, so

Say hey, it's a good day
Even if things aren't going my way
Jesus is Lord and I am saved
So, say hey, it's a good day

We are all as happy as we make our minds up to be I have just decided that nothing's gonna take this joy from me

- Artist: FFH (Far From Home)

I highly suggest you download this song on iTunes. At least go listen to a sample before you make up your mind not to! Click the iTunes link above and it'll take you directly to the song. It's a great upbeat song that will lift your spirits when you've had a rough day. Sometimes you can't stop thinking about things like this and it can really clouds your head, darken your outlook and even ruin your day.

I'm going to remember that every time something like this happens. I'm going to make up my mind that I will be as happy as I can be and nothing is going to take this joy from me! God is the giver of all peace and joy. And NO ONE can take that from you if you are a believer in Christ! As soon as I heard this song and I returned from my workout, I was determined! And God did give me an incredible joy for the rest of the day! I was amazed at how my day turned out! I am so thankful for a Savior who loves us so much even when we've done nothing to deserve it. So stand strong, don't let Satan have a foothold on you, pray for joy and peace during those times of difficulty and say hey, it's a good day! Love you all and I'm praying for you tonight!

Chance Meeting or Divine Intervention?

So I ran into the parents of a guy I dated in high school last weekend. I was out shopping with some family and had to take my niece to the bathroom. Upon my return, I was pleasantly surprised to see them talking with my my mom. In any normal situation, this would probably be a little bit of an awkward exchange. But not with them. They were and still are such wonderful people. And excuse the phrase, but really salt of the earth.

So, here's a little background before I go any further. He lived with his dad and stepmom. And I remember that he called her mom which I always thought was so sweet. Every other friend I had with a stepmom either hated her or just didn't connect with her in any way. So it was apparent that they all really seemed to make their family "work". Now I'm not saying they didn't have ever have problems, I'm sure they did. Any blended family will undoubtedly have their share of problems. And I don't know what kind of relationship they had with his biological mom. But from what I observed, they truly tried to make things work.

I remember every time I went to their house, she would greet me with a hug and just ask all kinds of questions about how I was and what I had been up to. She had such a genuine heart and knew how to make someone feel loved and comfortable from the minute you walked through the door. I've always remembered how that made me feel and I still try to this day to take an active interest in getting to know people and not just give them a "How are ya today?" and call it a day.

All that to say, we started talking about what I was doing and I told her that I was now a stepmom and that it hasn't always been easy but that I knew God had everything under control. I told her that I remembered what a wonderful stepmom she was and how I knew how much her stepson adored her. I told her of this blog that I started to help encourage other stepmoms who may be going through the same things that I've gone through. And just like I remember, they were both very supportive and encouraging. Although it was a relatively short visit, it was a truly meaningful one.

It was only a day or so later that I really grasped the importance of this "chance meeting". God had given me an incredible example of the role He knew I would eventually take on more than 10 years later! I had always known what an amazing and caring woman she was. But it was only now that I began to realize that this was truly someone who was clearly put in my life to be a role model! I began to thank God for bringing her into my life, for being an encouragement and for always painting the picture of a loving and kind-hearted stepmom. I know she must have endured tough times and dealt with pain and frustration as every stepmom does. But she persevered and made it through.

From the moment I knew I was going to be a stepmom, I wanted to do everything right. I wanted to deal with any situation with love and kindness. It hasn't always been easy to keep these emotions in the forefront of your mind and heart when dealing the the struggles of being a stepmom. But just like this incredible woman, I will still try, I will not give up. I will trust that God will always carry me. I'm so thankful that He revealed this to me over the last week. I don't deserve His love or His hope, but He continues to give it in spite of my sin.

God puts people in your life for reasons you may not be aware of now. Ask Him to begin to reveal those reasons to you. Ask Him to help you learn from the wonderful stepmoms who have been there, dealt with the pain, lived with the struggles and wanted to throw in the towel at one point or another. May we be encouraged by your stories, your lessons, and most of all, your love. If you are reading this, I just have to say again - thank YOU! You've been a light in my journey although I didn't fully recognize it until now!

I forgot to get your email but please email me so we can stay in touch! thestepmomlife@gmail.com

A Little Encouragement Here?

So I had a meltdown the other night. It just all came rushing out. I've tried to be strong not let it get to me but I couldn't hold it together for one more second. It all started with a call to my mom about my frustrations with some family members. I'm talking about the non-supportive family members who don't encourage us in our journey as a blended family. Now I know they love us and want the best for us. But there's no "we're so proud of how you're parenting" or "we're proud of the way you've turned this situation around" or "we're so glad that you've stepped up and taken responsibility". Nothing. Not once. I can't even begin to tell you how much that hurts both my husband and I. Maybe they are proud of the way we've worked to make this situation work for us. But we'll never know how they truly feel if they don't tell us. I've tried to just block those feelings out and not think about how we've been hurt. But it's always there. I started thinking of how hard this whole stepmom life has really been throughout the years and the sacrifices I've made and why they don't seem to get that.

But I know those frustrations are doing me no good. I always want to know why. Why don't they support or encourage us? But I don't know if I'll ever know the answer to that so if I continue to dwell on these feelings, I'll be eaten up with bitterness and anger. I have to turn that over to the Lord EVERYDAY. I don't want this to create bitterness in my heart or make me resentful. It's incredibly hard to give up that anger and frustration each day. I want to scream and yell and shout it from the rooftops! "Don't you get it!? Don't you see what we've done for this child? Don't you see we've made the right decisions in this situation? Don't you see that we're trying our very best to be the Godly parents that this child needs and deserves?" But I can't. I can't control their thoughts or actions anymore than I can control the weather. I can only focus on the positive things I CAN do:

• I can only PRAY for them. I think that is the hardest part. In fact, when you're angry, it's extremely hard to pray with sincerity. We first have to ask forgiveness of our anger because "a man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires" ...yes we all know that. Easier said than done.
  
• I must ask God to help me FORGIVE them. Another truly difficult thing to do. As my grandmother says, "You can't truly forgive someone unless you can honestly say that you wish them well"
  
• I have to LOVE them despite the actions and beliefs they may display towards us. I should demonstrate Christ-like attitudes and love them just as I love Christ.
  
• I must TRUST in the Lord to take control of the situation. I have to ultimately trust that God can and will change their hearts if He so desires.
• Last, I have to GIVE IT TO GOD. I am a selfish, sinful human and I have to "cast my cares upon the Lord" and leave them there!
  

If you have people who support and encourage you in your journey as a stepmom, be sure to thank them! Let them know how much you appreciate their support and what their encouragement means to you. Thank God for putting them in your life!

If you are dealing with unsupportive family or friends in your unique situation, I hope you will be encouraged by this post. If you have done all you can to make the situation with your stepkid(s) or ex-spouse work, God applauds you! If you are making the tough decisions that no one seems to notice, God is smiling down on you! Remember that our Father is the ONLY one we should be seeking approval from! He knows our hearts. He knows our desires. We just have to trust that He sees what we're doing and you can rest knowing that He will bless us when we make those tough decisions and sacrifices. Maybe not with earthly possessions or wealth, but He will give us joy in our journey... and that surpasses anything this world has to offer. May you be blessed today with all-surpassing joy as you seek to be the stepmom that God desires you to be.