It Can't Be All About Me

Well, I haven't posted in a while, mostly due to the holidays and some other things that have consumed my time. But it's no excuse. It's been far too long. I need this as much as you do!

So now that I have a few minutes to write, I don't have much to write about in the area of the ex or drama, or upset in any relationships at the present time. It's actually been a lot better and I know God has been at work even amidst my lack time spent with Him. I don't deserve His grace or love. How truly grateful I am for a Savior who works in His time even when I'm not faithful.

I recently got to spend some time with a friend of mine and we were able to get out some frustrations we're both experiencing in our lives. We've both sort of hit the reality of being married, settled in our lives, I guess just the reality of life. And on top of my own personal struggles, I feel like the kids are more clingy and needy now for some reason, maybe it's just their age. I can't even walk from one room to the next without someone following me! But I know I need to be compassionate and put their needs ahead of my own. So I asked my friend, "Is it me? Am I just extremely irritable or is this normal?" I continued on my rant, "It's just so hard to go from being myself - not having kids to worry about and then suddenly shifting gears to mommy-mode." I go from doing what I want, when I want to suddenly washing clothes, reminding them to pick up their junk, finding ways to entertain them without tv, fixing their hair, cooking something they'll like for dinner, making sure they're dressed appropriately, taking a bath, brushing teeth, washing hands...the list goes on and on. Being a stepmom is a hard job. No one will ever understand what we as stepmoms face everyday. Not only when the kids are with us but when they're not. It's such an unusual situation to experience first hand and everyday might bring something different or unexpected.

I'm realizing that I need to work on my tolerance and pray that God will help me to do everything with out complaining. That's so hard isn't it?! But I know that I can do this and make the best out of everyday with God's help. I'm learning that it's not about me. But how do we get past that feeling of - no one understands. No one recognizes or acknowledges what we do on a regular basis for someone else's kid. Where's my encouragement? Where's my pat on the back every once in a while? Where's my reward? The answer is ALWAYS in Jesus. He sees the hurt and the frustrations that we continually push to the side to manage our everyday reality. Although we can't touch him right now, He's here. Even though we can't physically run to his arms, He's surrounding us now. He's with us in every moment of our day. He's our reward. And perhaps the hardest part for us to grasp - may that be enough for us. I'm praying that He would sustain you in your journey today. That God's peace and love would surround you like never before. May you be consumed with His encouragement and trust that He alone is all you need.

Exercising Empathy for the Ex

Just the title of the post brings up a slew of emotions. Most of which are so hurtful you wish you could erase them from your memory. How is it possible to exercise empathy for his ex? Shouldn't I just be pleasant and put on my happy face when I face her? Can't that just be it for me? You may be thinking that's all your capable of anyway or that's all that can be reasonably expected of you. I hate to be the one to break it to you but that's not what we as stepmothers are called to do.

Let's just assume for a moment that your husband's ex is a wonderful person and is decent to you and your husband. Maybe she hasn't done anything to sabotage your marriage or your relationship with her kids. Maybe you consider yourself blessed to have such a good relationship with her. This would be the ideal situation for most people. However, even if things are good now, the "hurt" still has to be dealt with. It's extremely difficult to work through the feelings of marrying a man who has had a relationship with a woman and has had children with her. After all, you didn't know him then (more than likely:), you didn't know her, you didn't know if they were truly in love or not, you don't know all the things they went through together and the anger, hurt and pain that was associated with the downfall of their relationship. When you start to think about their past, it's extremely hard to process. It's hard to imagine the man you love being with someone else, not to mention the physical intimacy part. Managing these feelings are hard enough when you're dealing with a bearable ex. But dealing with an ex who's bitter and hurt and possibly out to get you puts you in a different league full of more complex and difficult emotions.

Once I fell in love with my husband and knew we would probably get married, I started to have some feelings that I couldn't shake. As a Christian and virgin, I felt like I had been robbed. Now I know it "takes two to tango" and if your husband and ex were married, maybe it didn't affect you as much as it would have if they had just been dating. But in my situation, I felt like she had

taken something that was meant for me. After all, I had kept my promises to the Lord to save myself for my husband. But SHE had taken that precious gift away from me. The nerve of her! I immediately blamed her. Honestly, this was one of the hardest feelings for me to work through. Here are some of the things I had to come to terms in order to change my thinking and thus begin to exercise empathy for her. When reading this, don't be overwhelmed. It took months for me to work through these things so don't expect this to magically change your thinking overnight.

• I had to realize that they both had an equal share of the ownership in this situation. They chose to make those decisions and now had to bear the consequences.
  
• I also had to mentally separate myself from their relationship. I was not a part of their decisions, I had nothing to do with their relationship in any way, shape or form. I could not have and cannot change the decisions they made.
  
• I had to remember that all of that was in the past. I tried not to "take it personally" in a sense. My husband wasn't thinking about the future, he didn't know how things would play out later on. He didn't know he would meet me let alone marry me. The trick here was to remember God works things out for our good. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" - Romans 8:28
• I had to FORGIVE them both. It was much easier to forgive him because I loved him. It's harder to forgive someone that you don't know who has hurt someone you love. Forgiveness was the beginning of the healing process for me. After all, I am commanded to forgive others, just as Christ forgave us. No one is perfect, including me and we've all sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God.
  
• I had to try not to judge them or their decisions. "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. - Matthew 7:1-2
  
• I had to put myself in her shoes. She was dealing with the same hurt he was. She basically became a single parent since she gained sole custody. I tried to imagine what I would have done in the same situation. I would certainly be angry, bitter and hurt to say the least. How difficult it must have been to raise children by yourself and work all the while. She had valid reasons for being angry. I'm sure I would feel the same way. Once you realize this, you start to view things differently. I started to feel sympathy for her on many levels. This was God preparing my heart to work through these difficult emotions and take the necessary steps to becoming the wife and stepmom he wanted me to be.
• I then had to begin praying for her. It was hard at first and I began doubting if I could do it. However, over time, it became easier and easier. God gave me a strength I cannot explain. I knew she needed prayer. Especially since I believed that she was probably not a Christian. I started praying for her salvation, for the child, for her to meet someone, for her anger and bitterness to subside. I simply prayed for things I would pray for if I was in her situation.

Once I worked through these emotions and feelings, I was better able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I could see the bigger picture. I saw that there are always two sides to every story. God had placed me in a situation where I could be a "peacekeeper" in a sense; a mediator or an objective party. I could maybe balance some of this awkwardness and allow each of them to see the other side a little more clearly and move on with their lives.

Most importantly though, I knew God wanted me to be a light in this negatively charged situation. A light to my husband, to his ex and also these precious innocent children. They needed someone to lookout for their best interest. The children in these situations are the victims. They didn't ask to be put in these situation. So I thought about what I would want if I were them. Would I want to know my father tried his best to work things out for my best interest? Absolutely. Would I want to know that he and my stepmom did all they could to make things peaceful and calm between my mother? Yes! I would be so honored and thankful for a father and stepmom who would put my interest first and make the best of their situation.

Ultimately, you have to keep God's purposes for your life in the forefront of your mind and heart. He has put you in a position to be a stepmom to children who need you. You may not see it now, but God has many reasons for putting you in their lives. He will reveal more and more each step of the way. Remember that truth each time you're dealing with the daily struggles of being a stepmom. God's plans are ALWAYS superior and He is faithful to carry you through each situation you may face on your journey. I am praying that the Lord will give you the strength you need to get through these difficult feelings and begin exercising empathy.

"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." - Philipians 1:6