Chance Meeting or Divine Intervention?

So I ran into the parents of a guy I dated in high school last weekend. I was out shopping with some family and had to take my niece to the bathroom. Upon my return, I was pleasantly surprised to see them talking with my my mom. In any normal situation, this would probably be a little bit of an awkward exchange. But not with them. They were and still are such wonderful people. And excuse the phrase, but really salt of the earth.

So, here's a little background before I go any further. He lived with his dad and stepmom. And I remember that he called her mom which I always thought was so sweet. Every other friend I had with a stepmom either hated her or just didn't connect with her in any way. So it was apparent that they all really seemed to make their family "work". Now I'm not saying they didn't have ever have problems, I'm sure they did. Any blended family will undoubtedly have their share of problems. And I don't know what kind of relationship they had with his biological mom. But from what I observed, they truly tried to make things work.

I remember every time I went to their house, she would greet me with a hug and just ask all kinds of questions about how I was and what I had been up to. She had such a genuine heart and knew how to make someone feel loved and comfortable from the minute you walked through the door. I've always remembered how that made me feel and I still try to this day to take an active interest in getting to know people and not just give them a "How are ya today?" and call it a day.

All that to say, we started talking about what I was doing and I told her that I was now a stepmom and that it hasn't always been easy but that I knew God had everything under control. I told her that I remembered what a wonderful stepmom she was and how I knew how much her stepson adored her. I told her of this blog that I started to help encourage other stepmoms who may be going through the same things that I've gone through. And just like I remember, they were both very supportive and encouraging. Although it was a relatively short visit, it was a truly meaningful one.

It was only a day or so later that I really grasped the importance of this "chance meeting". God had given me an incredible example of the role He knew I would eventually take on more than 10 years later! I had always known what an amazing and caring woman she was. But it was only now that I began to realize that this was truly someone who was clearly put in my life to be a role model! I began to thank God for bringing her into my life, for being an encouragement and for always painting the picture of a loving and kind-hearted stepmom. I know she must have endured tough times and dealt with pain and frustration as every stepmom does. But she persevered and made it through.

From the moment I knew I was going to be a stepmom, I wanted to do everything right. I wanted to deal with any situation with love and kindness. It hasn't always been easy to keep these emotions in the forefront of your mind and heart when dealing the the struggles of being a stepmom. But just like this incredible woman, I will still try, I will not give up. I will trust that God will always carry me. I'm so thankful that He revealed this to me over the last week. I don't deserve His love or His hope, but He continues to give it in spite of my sin.

God puts people in your life for reasons you may not be aware of now. Ask Him to begin to reveal those reasons to you. Ask Him to help you learn from the wonderful stepmoms who have been there, dealt with the pain, lived with the struggles and wanted to throw in the towel at one point or another. May we be encouraged by your stories, your lessons, and most of all, your love. If you are reading this, I just have to say again - thank YOU! You've been a light in my journey although I didn't fully recognize it until now!

I forgot to get your email but please email me so we can stay in touch! thestepmomlife@gmail.com

Exercising Empathy for the Ex

Just the title of the post brings up a slew of emotions. Most of which are so hurtful you wish you could erase them from your memory. How is it possible to exercise empathy for his ex? Shouldn't I just be pleasant and put on my happy face when I face her? Can't that just be it for me? You may be thinking that's all your capable of anyway or that's all that can be reasonably expected of you. I hate to be the one to break it to you but that's not what we as stepmothers are called to do.

Let's just assume for a moment that your husband's ex is a wonderful person and is decent to you and your husband. Maybe she hasn't done anything to sabotage your marriage or your relationship with her kids. Maybe you consider yourself blessed to have such a good relationship with her. This would be the ideal situation for most people. However, even if things are good now, the "hurt" still has to be dealt with. It's extremely difficult to work through the feelings of marrying a man who has had a relationship with a woman and has had children with her. After all, you didn't know him then (more than likely:), you didn't know her, you didn't know if they were truly in love or not, you don't know all the things they went through together and the anger, hurt and pain that was associated with the downfall of their relationship. When you start to think about their past, it's extremely hard to process. It's hard to imagine the man you love being with someone else, not to mention the physical intimacy part. Managing these feelings are hard enough when you're dealing with a bearable ex. But dealing with an ex who's bitter and hurt and possibly out to get you puts you in a different league full of more complex and difficult emotions.

Once I fell in love with my husband and knew we would probably get married, I started to have some feelings that I couldn't shake. As a Christian and virgin, I felt like I had been robbed. Now I know it "takes two to tango" and if your husband and ex were married, maybe it didn't affect you as much as it would have if they had just been dating. But in my situation, I felt like she had

taken something that was meant for me. After all, I had kept my promises to the Lord to save myself for my husband. But SHE had taken that precious gift away from me. The nerve of her! I immediately blamed her. Honestly, this was one of the hardest feelings for me to work through. Here are some of the things I had to come to terms in order to change my thinking and thus begin to exercise empathy for her. When reading this, don't be overwhelmed. It took months for me to work through these things so don't expect this to magically change your thinking overnight.

• I had to realize that they both had an equal share of the ownership in this situation. They chose to make those decisions and now had to bear the consequences.
  
• I also had to mentally separate myself from their relationship. I was not a part of their decisions, I had nothing to do with their relationship in any way, shape or form. I could not have and cannot change the decisions they made.
  
• I had to remember that all of that was in the past. I tried not to "take it personally" in a sense. My husband wasn't thinking about the future, he didn't know how things would play out later on. He didn't know he would meet me let alone marry me. The trick here was to remember God works things out for our good. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" - Romans 8:28
• I had to FORGIVE them both. It was much easier to forgive him because I loved him. It's harder to forgive someone that you don't know who has hurt someone you love. Forgiveness was the beginning of the healing process for me. After all, I am commanded to forgive others, just as Christ forgave us. No one is perfect, including me and we've all sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God.
  
• I had to try not to judge them or their decisions. "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. - Matthew 7:1-2
  
• I had to put myself in her shoes. She was dealing with the same hurt he was. She basically became a single parent since she gained sole custody. I tried to imagine what I would have done in the same situation. I would certainly be angry, bitter and hurt to say the least. How difficult it must have been to raise children by yourself and work all the while. She had valid reasons for being angry. I'm sure I would feel the same way. Once you realize this, you start to view things differently. I started to feel sympathy for her on many levels. This was God preparing my heart to work through these difficult emotions and take the necessary steps to becoming the wife and stepmom he wanted me to be.
• I then had to begin praying for her. It was hard at first and I began doubting if I could do it. However, over time, it became easier and easier. God gave me a strength I cannot explain. I knew she needed prayer. Especially since I believed that she was probably not a Christian. I started praying for her salvation, for the child, for her to meet someone, for her anger and bitterness to subside. I simply prayed for things I would pray for if I was in her situation.

Once I worked through these emotions and feelings, I was better able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I could see the bigger picture. I saw that there are always two sides to every story. God had placed me in a situation where I could be a "peacekeeper" in a sense; a mediator or an objective party. I could maybe balance some of this awkwardness and allow each of them to see the other side a little more clearly and move on with their lives.

Most importantly though, I knew God wanted me to be a light in this negatively charged situation. A light to my husband, to his ex and also these precious innocent children. They needed someone to lookout for their best interest. The children in these situations are the victims. They didn't ask to be put in these situation. So I thought about what I would want if I were them. Would I want to know my father tried his best to work things out for my best interest? Absolutely. Would I want to know that he and my stepmom did all they could to make things peaceful and calm between my mother? Yes! I would be so honored and thankful for a father and stepmom who would put my interest first and make the best of their situation.

Ultimately, you have to keep God's purposes for your life in the forefront of your mind and heart. He has put you in a position to be a stepmom to children who need you. You may not see it now, but God has many reasons for putting you in their lives. He will reveal more and more each step of the way. Remember that truth each time you're dealing with the daily struggles of being a stepmom. God's plans are ALWAYS superior and He is faithful to carry you through each situation you may face on your journey. I am praying that the Lord will give you the strength you need to get through these difficult feelings and begin exercising empathy.

"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." - Philipians 1:6

Thank You Friend!

Well, as a follow up to the encouragement post, I must tell you about a friend of mine who is very near and dear to my heart. We haven't known each other long...maybe 4 years or so, but I consider her a cherished friend. You know when you meet someone and it feels like you've known them for years? Well, that's her. She's sweet and fun to be around. She and her husband moved away a year or so ago but we still keep in touch. I have to share with you an email I received from her. And this is one of the only direct encouragements I've EVER received from a friend. She wrote:

"First of all, we miss you guys...secondly, i just want to take a second to encourage you and say thank you for being such a wonderful step-mom!! for real! I know it is not easy all the time (not just with the kids, but also with the extended family etc)...i thank God that i have a wonderful step-mom and am sometimes closer to her than my real mom, because of our relationships with Christ....but i just want you to know that your kind heart and gentle spirit in loving them do not go unnoticed....I just think, and i know God does too...that you are the ultimate servant in this and i admire you greatly!!!"

I can't begin to describe the overwhelming gratitude I felt at the moment I read that. I'll always remember and be thankful to her for reaching out and taking a few minutes out of her day to encourage ME! I want to encourage YOU now to do the same for the stepmoms you know. Let's take some time to focus on building each other up. As a fellow stepmom, I know how discouraging and heartbreaking it can be when you don't feel supported or encouraged by your friends. If you are a stepmom, I am praying today that God will surround you with friends who will support and lift you up on a daily basis.

To my dear friend - Thank you for being such an incredible blessing to me! God knew I needed loving encouragement, support and hope for the future from a sister in Christ! Love you!