Exercising Empathy for the Ex

Just the title of the post brings up a slew of emotions. Most of which are so hurtful you wish you could erase them from your memory. How is it possible to exercise empathy for his ex? Shouldn't I just be pleasant and put on my happy face when I face her? Can't that just be it for me? You may be thinking that's all your capable of anyway or that's all that can be reasonably expected of you. I hate to be the one to break it to you but that's not what we as stepmothers are called to do.

Let's just assume for a moment that your husband's ex is a wonderful person and is decent to you and your husband. Maybe she hasn't done anything to sabotage your marriage or your relationship with her kids. Maybe you consider yourself blessed to have such a good relationship with her. This would be the ideal situation for most people. However, even if things are good now, the "hurt" still has to be dealt with. It's extremely difficult to work through the feelings of marrying a man who has had a relationship with a woman and has had children with her. After all, you didn't know him then (more than likely:), you didn't know her, you didn't know if they were truly in love or not, you don't know all the things they went through together and the anger, hurt and pain that was associated with the downfall of their relationship. When you start to think about their past, it's extremely hard to process. It's hard to imagine the man you love being with someone else, not to mention the physical intimacy part. Managing these feelings are hard enough when you're dealing with a bearable ex. But dealing with an ex who's bitter and hurt and possibly out to get you puts you in a different league full of more complex and difficult emotions.

Once I fell in love with my husband and knew we would probably get married, I started to have some feelings that I couldn't shake. As a Christian and virgin, I felt like I had been robbed. Now I know it "takes two to tango" and if your husband and ex were married, maybe it didn't affect you as much as it would have if they had just been dating. But in my situation, I felt like she had

taken something that was meant for me. After all, I had kept my promises to the Lord to save myself for my husband. But SHE had taken that precious gift away from me. The nerve of her! I immediately blamed her. Honestly, this was one of the hardest feelings for me to work through. Here are some of the things I had to come to terms in order to change my thinking and thus begin to exercise empathy for her. When reading this, don't be overwhelmed. It took months for me to work through these things so don't expect this to magically change your thinking overnight.

• I had to realize that they both had an equal share of the ownership in this situation. They chose to make those decisions and now had to bear the consequences.
  
• I also had to mentally separate myself from their relationship. I was not a part of their decisions, I had nothing to do with their relationship in any way, shape or form. I could not have and cannot change the decisions they made.
  
• I had to remember that all of that was in the past. I tried not to "take it personally" in a sense. My husband wasn't thinking about the future, he didn't know how things would play out later on. He didn't know he would meet me let alone marry me. The trick here was to remember God works things out for our good. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" - Romans 8:28
• I had to FORGIVE them both. It was much easier to forgive him because I loved him. It's harder to forgive someone that you don't know who has hurt someone you love. Forgiveness was the beginning of the healing process for me. After all, I am commanded to forgive others, just as Christ forgave us. No one is perfect, including me and we've all sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God.
  
• I had to try not to judge them or their decisions. "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. - Matthew 7:1-2
  
• I had to put myself in her shoes. She was dealing with the same hurt he was. She basically became a single parent since she gained sole custody. I tried to imagine what I would have done in the same situation. I would certainly be angry, bitter and hurt to say the least. How difficult it must have been to raise children by yourself and work all the while. She had valid reasons for being angry. I'm sure I would feel the same way. Once you realize this, you start to view things differently. I started to feel sympathy for her on many levels. This was God preparing my heart to work through these difficult emotions and take the necessary steps to becoming the wife and stepmom he wanted me to be.
• I then had to begin praying for her. It was hard at first and I began doubting if I could do it. However, over time, it became easier and easier. God gave me a strength I cannot explain. I knew she needed prayer. Especially since I believed that she was probably not a Christian. I started praying for her salvation, for the child, for her to meet someone, for her anger and bitterness to subside. I simply prayed for things I would pray for if I was in her situation.

Once I worked through these emotions and feelings, I was better able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I could see the bigger picture. I saw that there are always two sides to every story. God had placed me in a situation where I could be a "peacekeeper" in a sense; a mediator or an objective party. I could maybe balance some of this awkwardness and allow each of them to see the other side a little more clearly and move on with their lives.

Most importantly though, I knew God wanted me to be a light in this negatively charged situation. A light to my husband, to his ex and also these precious innocent children. They needed someone to lookout for their best interest. The children in these situations are the victims. They didn't ask to be put in these situation. So I thought about what I would want if I were them. Would I want to know my father tried his best to work things out for my best interest? Absolutely. Would I want to know that he and my stepmom did all they could to make things peaceful and calm between my mother? Yes! I would be so honored and thankful for a father and stepmom who would put my interest first and make the best of their situation.

Ultimately, you have to keep God's purposes for your life in the forefront of your mind and heart. He has put you in a position to be a stepmom to children who need you. You may not see it now, but God has many reasons for putting you in their lives. He will reveal more and more each step of the way. Remember that truth each time you're dealing with the daily struggles of being a stepmom. God's plans are ALWAYS superior and He is faithful to carry you through each situation you may face on your journey. I am praying that the Lord will give you the strength you need to get through these difficult feelings and begin exercising empathy.

"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." - Philipians 1:6

Mama Drama

So there are many things that still anger me at times. Especially when there's mama drama. Now I know that women create drama wherever they go. I'm sure I've created my share at times. However, I try to steer clear of it whenever possible. I HATE drama. I don't understand why so many women thrive on drama in their lives. It's like they're not happy unless there's some kind of dramatic situation to stir around. So when it comes to the kids, it's sad that they are thrown into the mix whether they know they're doing it or not. There is no way to change a way people parent. We can't go over to their house like Supernanny and tell them what we think they're doing wrong or what they could be doing better. And yes it's hard to know if you would react the same way or if you'd be more level headed about certain things. This is especially true if you're a childless stepmom. We know how we would most likely react but can only speculate. So the way we've learned to deal with it is to simply offer sympathy when a dramatic situation presents itself. However, we try not make a big deal out it by asking lots of questions or talking a lot about it in the presence of the children or the ex.

For example, my stepdaughter brought home her first C on an math test and was really upset because she usually made all "A's". So we were warned that she was very upset and that was understandable. However, instead of lecturing her and asking lots of questions, we simply said that we knew that math was a hard subject and if she needed any extra help to make sure and let us or her mom or her teacher know so she could better understand what she was struggling with. We made sure to tell her that we knew she was capable of making an A because she was a very smart and responsible girl. Then we dropped it. We didn't bring it up again and didn't grill her about the questions on the test or what she should have or could have done to make an "A".

It's especially important to remember to keep things in perspective when it comes to things like this for several reasons:

1. First, the children are being shuffled from mom's family to dad's family every week or every other weekend depending on your unique situation. So assuming your parents were still married, think of how difficult it was to tell your parents when you made a bad grade or messed up at one point or another. Now think about telling two sets of parents and possibly having two sets of questions, comments, reprimands, etc. They are hearing and dealing with what we've heard and dealt with times 2! That could really weigh on a child if one or both sets of parents dramatize the situation more than necessary. So in our situation, she needed gentle criticism but more importantly, encouragement.
   
   
2. Secondly, they feed off of your mood and attitude and they'll remember how you reacted to situations. If your mom flipped out when you accidentally left your brand new retainer on your lunch tray and it got dumped down the cafeteria garbage disposal, you'll likely remember her throwing something at you while running to your room to escape the wrath. But imagine having four parents reacting that way! I struggle with this on a daily basis since I'm an over-reactor. Why would I over-react? Nobody in my family over-reacts!" - Annie Banks Mackenzie: Father of the Bride I'm currently working on letting things go and not knit picking everything. After all, it's about enjoying the journey so it's important to remember that everyday.
   
   
3. Lastly, try to remember that this too shall pass! This is a test. Just like my mom just told me tonight. Satan is trying to get you angry and mad because he knows you are trying to help other stepmoms and encourage them by sharing your experiences. Don't let him win! Remember what James wrote, "Man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires" (James 1:20).
   

Everything that happens is an opportunity for you to rise above the challenge and the drama. It's a chance for you to show your character but more importantly, God's character through your actions. Not only your stepchildren, but the ex will see how you and your husband react to the drama and it can speak volumes in either positive or negative ways. It's up to you to decide how you will handle the mama drama in your life!