Exercising Empathy for the Ex

Just the title of the post brings up a slew of emotions. Most of which are so hurtful you wish you could erase them from your memory. How is it possible to exercise empathy for his ex? Shouldn't I just be pleasant and put on my happy face when I face her? Can't that just be it for me? You may be thinking that's all your capable of anyway or that's all that can be reasonably expected of you. I hate to be the one to break it to you but that's not what we as stepmothers are called to do.

Let's just assume for a moment that your husband's ex is a wonderful person and is decent to you and your husband. Maybe she hasn't done anything to sabotage your marriage or your relationship with her kids. Maybe you consider yourself blessed to have such a good relationship with her. This would be the ideal situation for most people. However, even if things are good now, the "hurt" still has to be dealt with. It's extremely difficult to work through the feelings of marrying a man who has had a relationship with a woman and has had children with her. After all, you didn't know him then (more than likely:), you didn't know her, you didn't know if they were truly in love or not, you don't know all the things they went through together and the anger, hurt and pain that was associated with the downfall of their relationship. When you start to think about their past, it's extremely hard to process. It's hard to imagine the man you love being with someone else, not to mention the physical intimacy part. Managing these feelings are hard enough when you're dealing with a bearable ex. But dealing with an ex who's bitter and hurt and possibly out to get you puts you in a different league full of more complex and difficult emotions.

Once I fell in love with my husband and knew we would probably get married, I started to have some feelings that I couldn't shake. As a Christian and virgin, I felt like I had been robbed. Now I know it "takes two to tango" and if your husband and ex were married, maybe it didn't affect you as much as it would have if they had just been dating. But in my situation, I felt like she had

taken something that was meant for me. After all, I had kept my promises to the Lord to save myself for my husband. But SHE had taken that precious gift away from me. The nerve of her! I immediately blamed her. Honestly, this was one of the hardest feelings for me to work through. Here are some of the things I had to come to terms in order to change my thinking and thus begin to exercise empathy for her. When reading this, don't be overwhelmed. It took months for me to work through these things so don't expect this to magically change your thinking overnight.

• I had to realize that they both had an equal share of the ownership in this situation. They chose to make those decisions and now had to bear the consequences.
  
• I also had to mentally separate myself from their relationship. I was not a part of their decisions, I had nothing to do with their relationship in any way, shape or form. I could not have and cannot change the decisions they made.
  
• I had to remember that all of that was in the past. I tried not to "take it personally" in a sense. My husband wasn't thinking about the future, he didn't know how things would play out later on. He didn't know he would meet me let alone marry me. The trick here was to remember God works things out for our good. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" - Romans 8:28
• I had to FORGIVE them both. It was much easier to forgive him because I loved him. It's harder to forgive someone that you don't know who has hurt someone you love. Forgiveness was the beginning of the healing process for me. After all, I am commanded to forgive others, just as Christ forgave us. No one is perfect, including me and we've all sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God.
  
• I had to try not to judge them or their decisions. "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. - Matthew 7:1-2
  
• I had to put myself in her shoes. She was dealing with the same hurt he was. She basically became a single parent since she gained sole custody. I tried to imagine what I would have done in the same situation. I would certainly be angry, bitter and hurt to say the least. How difficult it must have been to raise children by yourself and work all the while. She had valid reasons for being angry. I'm sure I would feel the same way. Once you realize this, you start to view things differently. I started to feel sympathy for her on many levels. This was God preparing my heart to work through these difficult emotions and take the necessary steps to becoming the wife and stepmom he wanted me to be.
• I then had to begin praying for her. It was hard at first and I began doubting if I could do it. However, over time, it became easier and easier. God gave me a strength I cannot explain. I knew she needed prayer. Especially since I believed that she was probably not a Christian. I started praying for her salvation, for the child, for her to meet someone, for her anger and bitterness to subside. I simply prayed for things I would pray for if I was in her situation.

Once I worked through these emotions and feelings, I was better able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I could see the bigger picture. I saw that there are always two sides to every story. God had placed me in a situation where I could be a "peacekeeper" in a sense; a mediator or an objective party. I could maybe balance some of this awkwardness and allow each of them to see the other side a little more clearly and move on with their lives.

Most importantly though, I knew God wanted me to be a light in this negatively charged situation. A light to my husband, to his ex and also these precious innocent children. They needed someone to lookout for their best interest. The children in these situations are the victims. They didn't ask to be put in these situation. So I thought about what I would want if I were them. Would I want to know my father tried his best to work things out for my best interest? Absolutely. Would I want to know that he and my stepmom did all they could to make things peaceful and calm between my mother? Yes! I would be so honored and thankful for a father and stepmom who would put my interest first and make the best of their situation.

Ultimately, you have to keep God's purposes for your life in the forefront of your mind and heart. He has put you in a position to be a stepmom to children who need you. You may not see it now, but God has many reasons for putting you in their lives. He will reveal more and more each step of the way. Remember that truth each time you're dealing with the daily struggles of being a stepmom. God's plans are ALWAYS superior and He is faithful to carry you through each situation you may face on your journey. I am praying that the Lord will give you the strength you need to get through these difficult feelings and begin exercising empathy.

"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." - Philipians 1:6

Thank You Friend!

Well, as a follow up to the encouragement post, I must tell you about a friend of mine who is very near and dear to my heart. We haven't known each other long...maybe 4 years or so, but I consider her a cherished friend. You know when you meet someone and it feels like you've known them for years? Well, that's her. She's sweet and fun to be around. She and her husband moved away a year or so ago but we still keep in touch. I have to share with you an email I received from her. And this is one of the only direct encouragements I've EVER received from a friend. She wrote:

"First of all, we miss you guys...secondly, i just want to take a second to encourage you and say thank you for being such a wonderful step-mom!! for real! I know it is not easy all the time (not just with the kids, but also with the extended family etc)...i thank God that i have a wonderful step-mom and am sometimes closer to her than my real mom, because of our relationships with Christ....but i just want you to know that your kind heart and gentle spirit in loving them do not go unnoticed....I just think, and i know God does too...that you are the ultimate servant in this and i admire you greatly!!!"

I can't begin to describe the overwhelming gratitude I felt at the moment I read that. I'll always remember and be thankful to her for reaching out and taking a few minutes out of her day to encourage ME! I want to encourage YOU now to do the same for the stepmoms you know. Let's take some time to focus on building each other up. As a fellow stepmom, I know how discouraging and heartbreaking it can be when you don't feel supported or encouraged by your friends. If you are a stepmom, I am praying today that God will surround you with friends who will support and lift you up on a daily basis.

To my dear friend - Thank you for being such an incredible blessing to me! God knew I needed loving encouragement, support and hope for the future from a sister in Christ! Love you!

A Little Encouragement Here?

So I had a meltdown the other night. It just all came rushing out. I've tried to be strong not let it get to me but I couldn't hold it together for one more second. It all started with a call to my mom about my frustrations with some family members. I'm talking about the non-supportive family members who don't encourage us in our journey as a blended family. Now I know they love us and want the best for us. But there's no "we're so proud of how you're parenting" or "we're proud of the way you've turned this situation around" or "we're so glad that you've stepped up and taken responsibility". Nothing. Not once. I can't even begin to tell you how much that hurts both my husband and I. Maybe they are proud of the way we've worked to make this situation work for us. But we'll never know how they truly feel if they don't tell us. I've tried to just block those feelings out and not think about how we've been hurt. But it's always there. I started thinking of how hard this whole stepmom life has really been throughout the years and the sacrifices I've made and why they don't seem to get that.

But I know those frustrations are doing me no good. I always want to know why. Why don't they support or encourage us? But I don't know if I'll ever know the answer to that so if I continue to dwell on these feelings, I'll be eaten up with bitterness and anger. I have to turn that over to the Lord EVERYDAY. I don't want this to create bitterness in my heart or make me resentful. It's incredibly hard to give up that anger and frustration each day. I want to scream and yell and shout it from the rooftops! "Don't you get it!? Don't you see what we've done for this child? Don't you see we've made the right decisions in this situation? Don't you see that we're trying our very best to be the Godly parents that this child needs and deserves?" But I can't. I can't control their thoughts or actions anymore than I can control the weather. I can only focus on the positive things I CAN do:

• I can only PRAY for them. I think that is the hardest part. In fact, when you're angry, it's extremely hard to pray with sincerity. We first have to ask forgiveness of our anger because "a man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires" ...yes we all know that. Easier said than done.
  
• I must ask God to help me FORGIVE them. Another truly difficult thing to do. As my grandmother says, "You can't truly forgive someone unless you can honestly say that you wish them well"
  
• I have to LOVE them despite the actions and beliefs they may display towards us. I should demonstrate Christ-like attitudes and love them just as I love Christ.
  
• I must TRUST in the Lord to take control of the situation. I have to ultimately trust that God can and will change their hearts if He so desires.
• Last, I have to GIVE IT TO GOD. I am a selfish, sinful human and I have to "cast my cares upon the Lord" and leave them there!
  

If you have people who support and encourage you in your journey as a stepmom, be sure to thank them! Let them know how much you appreciate their support and what their encouragement means to you. Thank God for putting them in your life!

If you are dealing with unsupportive family or friends in your unique situation, I hope you will be encouraged by this post. If you have done all you can to make the situation with your stepkid(s) or ex-spouse work, God applauds you! If you are making the tough decisions that no one seems to notice, God is smiling down on you! Remember that our Father is the ONLY one we should be seeking approval from! He knows our hearts. He knows our desires. We just have to trust that He sees what we're doing and you can rest knowing that He will bless us when we make those tough decisions and sacrifices. Maybe not with earthly possessions or wealth, but He will give us joy in our journey... and that surpasses anything this world has to offer. May you be blessed today with all-surpassing joy as you seek to be the stepmom that God desires you to be.

Mama Drama

So there are many things that still anger me at times. Especially when there's mama drama. Now I know that women create drama wherever they go. I'm sure I've created my share at times. However, I try to steer clear of it whenever possible. I HATE drama. I don't understand why so many women thrive on drama in their lives. It's like they're not happy unless there's some kind of dramatic situation to stir around. So when it comes to the kids, it's sad that they are thrown into the mix whether they know they're doing it or not. There is no way to change a way people parent. We can't go over to their house like Supernanny and tell them what we think they're doing wrong or what they could be doing better. And yes it's hard to know if you would react the same way or if you'd be more level headed about certain things. This is especially true if you're a childless stepmom. We know how we would most likely react but can only speculate. So the way we've learned to deal with it is to simply offer sympathy when a dramatic situation presents itself. However, we try not make a big deal out it by asking lots of questions or talking a lot about it in the presence of the children or the ex.

For example, my stepdaughter brought home her first C on an math test and was really upset because she usually made all "A's". So we were warned that she was very upset and that was understandable. However, instead of lecturing her and asking lots of questions, we simply said that we knew that math was a hard subject and if she needed any extra help to make sure and let us or her mom or her teacher know so she could better understand what she was struggling with. We made sure to tell her that we knew she was capable of making an A because she was a very smart and responsible girl. Then we dropped it. We didn't bring it up again and didn't grill her about the questions on the test or what she should have or could have done to make an "A".

It's especially important to remember to keep things in perspective when it comes to things like this for several reasons:

1. First, the children are being shuffled from mom's family to dad's family every week or every other weekend depending on your unique situation. So assuming your parents were still married, think of how difficult it was to tell your parents when you made a bad grade or messed up at one point or another. Now think about telling two sets of parents and possibly having two sets of questions, comments, reprimands, etc. They are hearing and dealing with what we've heard and dealt with times 2! That could really weigh on a child if one or both sets of parents dramatize the situation more than necessary. So in our situation, she needed gentle criticism but more importantly, encouragement.
   
   
2. Secondly, they feed off of your mood and attitude and they'll remember how you reacted to situations. If your mom flipped out when you accidentally left your brand new retainer on your lunch tray and it got dumped down the cafeteria garbage disposal, you'll likely remember her throwing something at you while running to your room to escape the wrath. But imagine having four parents reacting that way! I struggle with this on a daily basis since I'm an over-reactor. Why would I over-react? Nobody in my family over-reacts!" - Annie Banks Mackenzie: Father of the Bride I'm currently working on letting things go and not knit picking everything. After all, it's about enjoying the journey so it's important to remember that everyday.
   
   
3. Lastly, try to remember that this too shall pass! This is a test. Just like my mom just told me tonight. Satan is trying to get you angry and mad because he knows you are trying to help other stepmoms and encourage them by sharing your experiences. Don't let him win! Remember what James wrote, "Man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires" (James 1:20).
   

Everything that happens is an opportunity for you to rise above the challenge and the drama. It's a chance for you to show your character but more importantly, God's character through your actions. Not only your stepchildren, but the ex will see how you and your husband react to the drama and it can speak volumes in either positive or negative ways. It's up to you to decide how you will handle the mama drama in your life!

The Wicked Stepmother

Well, if you had told me 10 years ago that I would be a stepmom, I probably would have laughed in your face and said, "yeah right". I wasn't even sure I wanted kids of my own, not to mention someone else's! It's not something you plan for yourself and certainly not something your parents plan for you. As a matter of fact, my parents were very concerned about the possibility of me marrying a man with children. And their concerns were justified. When I married my husband, I did NOT fully understanding the problems I would encounter, the hurt I would feel or the worries I would have for MY future family. But as the saying goes, "Love is blind". And so it was. I only knew that if God had put us together, He would take care of everything. I had faith. I'm not saying I was holier than thou and expected everything to be roses all the time, but I trusted that He would carry me. And He has, every step of the way.

I'll start with the decision to marry someone with children. When I was first presented with the thought of becoming someone's stepmom, I immediately thought of Cinderella's stepmom.
As I'm sure you all have seen the movie or at least read the book, Cinderella's stepmother was as wicked as they come. Her evil eyes plotting her next revenge...it still gives me the creeps during the scene where it gets all dark and the only thing you can see are her eyes all evil and mean. The word stepmom does not come with a good feeling behind it. Every friend I had with a stepmom had something horrible to say about her. Things she said, did or wouldn't do. I had never known anyone that had a meaningful relationship with their stepmother. I had decided that I was not going to let the negative connotations stick to me. There was no way I was going to succumb to the stereotypical stepmom. I would rise above this because I knew that God expected this of me. I knew He had a reason for placing me in this situation. I would have never chosen this for myself, God chose it for me. And I'm still finding that He's revealing more and more reasons everyday.

The Stepmom Life

The stepmom life was created to encourage you in your journey as a stepmother. I'm a stepmom just like you. I want to help you keep your sanity while you're shaping and molding your step-children's hearts and lives. I hope to give you tools to strengthen your marriage by being honest and supportive. You'll find stories of successes and failures, tactics that worked for me, and hopefully stories from other stepmoms who've been right where you are. May you be enlightened and uplifted as you read!